Now that all the exams and projects are over, I find it funny that I have no mood at all to play my Xbox and PC. The game I rented from the online renting website sits there unused. Dawn of War and Serious Sam 2 discs remain in thier colorful original case. Battlefield 2 too lazy to play. If the game is a little bit too hard I give up on it. I now have all the time in the world to actually play these games and I am not using that time for that purpose. Funny how the human mind relaxes itself? Most propably there isn't any hard work to balance out the need to play. There is a saying; Work hard play hard. Now I understand since now I am not working at all so that's why I am not playing at all.
My feelings have been through a very rough ride this few days. First it was the "jumped the gun" action I did (read previous blog entry), then I totally ruined any opportunity to atleast try to fix things right on Saturday night. Haih, if only I can turn back the clock to set things straight.. :(
Right now I am still in the cooldown period, trying to overcome what I have done wrong and trying to set my mind up to look ahead but still remember to prevent such a mistake. Its very hurting to know you have been rejected, but atleast it will be less hurting to know it upfront than the girl keeping you in the dark (courtesy of my first love). Also, in both instances we din even move pass the "gf&bf" part or the dating part even. I don't know why, but it seems like my relationship is broken before it even begins. Not to say it is bad though, since maybe there is still time to restart and give a second chance... well maybe, after the cool down period and going through the process more carefully this time.
Where should I begin my love story part 2?
I know her for quite a while already since I first came to Adelaide. She is in the same course as me and is a close friend to one my coursemates. During my 1st year in Adelaide where I was doing my 3rd year of my degree, I was still thinking and hoping to meet up with my 1st love although I got no idea where she is or whether she is even married even. I was also too busy at that time since it was first time overseas alone and trying to be able to cope with the new environment and workload.
It wasn't until the beginning of Semester 2 2005 that I somehow finally gave up my first love for good (maybe it was turning 21, maybe something activated in my brain somewhere). Also, during the practical training I did while I was in Malaysia I chatted with fresh graduate from US who started work the same time as me. He was already on the path to becoming a husband, as 2 months later he went to NRD and approve his marriage. Is that fast or what?
Not trying to break his record for his speed to marry, but as we chatted he said that actually the best time to get a gf is when you are studying. When you are working already, you are working no day no night and you rarely have a chance to meet up with ppl. No free leisure time to meet up with friends. The environment is more stressful than during studying. As I did my practical training, what he said all made sense. All I did was work and work. When you return home you are too sleepy for anything. Also when you start working everyone is busy. How to find a soulmate then? At that time I din really have a big social circle either, which further contribute to the problem.
After my practical training, I returned to Adelaide to continue and complete my degree. What he said still remained in my mind. I was thinking, since this is my last year I will be studying, I might as well atleast do something I can't or may not have time to do after I graduate.
I didn't tackle her in the first Semester because I was too busy with project and stuff. Also at that time I though she has a boyfriend already.
As the 2nd semester began I realized that she was actually single and from the looks of it available. Seeing an opportunity I cannot resist, I proceede to get to know her better. As I get to know her better, the more I began to like her even more. She might not be as beautiful as a supermodel or some friends I know, but she is hardworking, friendly and has the right attitude. One thing I know, having a supermodel type gf with a bad attitude is not good. Like having a Ferrari which requires $$$$ of matainance (but if you can tahan that, go ahead).
But still, I was not confident if I could kau her properly. I was still outside her circle of friends, I lacked any way to converse in my mother tougue and new a relative newbie to this kind of things. What to talk to her? How to approach her without frightening her.
All that change after that day at Uluru. That day, my friends went up the Rock but I decided against it coz it beyond my capabilities and feel guilty to climb up. Instead I walked around the Rock (9.4km!!!) with a Korean girl, who was also on our trip and also decided not to climb. We chatted as we walk around the rock, getting to know each other better. The next few days both of us were confortable chatting with each other and exchanged each others contacts. Too bad she already has a boy friend and her friend is too old (looks like she is 21 but actually 27!) and on her way.
Even so, that trip make me realized something; Given the appropriate setting, timing and the right person I am actually able to court a girl (I may sound like an absolute loser, but hey, atleast I tried and succeded in a way). All it needs is the confidence to go for it. That final 10% in any F1 team strategy, where 50% is the car, 40% is the team and 10% is the driver.
As the days go by I managed to find some opportunity to chat with her. I also did the most important thing I WILL NOT FORGET AGAIN, I asked for her contact number. Also as the days go by my feeling for her has risen to the point where I just wish she was already taken to ease the huge feeling for her. Fortunately I managed to control my feelings and placed her as a secondary priority for a while and set more important stuff like project report as the main priority. At this time I wonder she even know I like her or not.
The moment of truth, or the climax moment is when I finally tell her I liked her. I don't know why it just had to be after an exam, but I just had to tell her I liked her. That exam was my FINAL exam for my entire degree, and chances of seeing her again is very very slim. My desire to tell her such is so heavy I could control it no longer. I had the fear that history will repeat itself again, as last time after the FINAL exam of SPM, my first love went home early and dissappeared.
Fortunately, it all worked out well and I did tell her I liked her face to face after following her back that day. It was a great moment of relief at that time, finally telling her why I like to chat with her. After confessing to her, she replied that she already knew that I liked her. Never felt so happy in a very long while.
However, as fate would have it, whenever there is a climax, there will be the period of whether it will turn out good or turn out bad. The following days after that showed great sign that things were badly going downhill. First, one day I decided go to university to take out some files stored in the CATS computer. After I took the files out, I decided to see if she was around in the CATS. I don't know what happen that day, but I just didn't see her. I spotted her friend, but it never occured to me that she is around. It was later that night in MSN that she said she was actually in CATS at that time. why I didn't see her? why I didn't talk to her friend?..
Also as the days go by, from the voice in her calls seem to be getting more stress. The first time I called her I can hear laughter in her voice. The second time I called her she is still quite ok, but I can sense she is a bit stress. The third time I call her, that fateful call that started the chain reaction, I can really sense she was under alot of stress. I should have known that was a danger sign. That was the sign things were about to implode. That was the sign to let her cool down for a while... that was the sign not to mentioned those fateful words...
After that she never answered my calls to her. I knew at that very time she is free, but she never returned my calls. I immediately had a sense of deja vu at that time, remembering what happened four years ago. So while eating humble pie I called my friend to tell him my problem. I usually don't like to consult ppl when it comes to relationships, but I had no other way. I did something wrong and I really need to do damage control.
After talking with him for a while, I finally knew what went wrong. The timing was way off. I jumped the gun. In the end he said that she MIGHT come to the gathering on Saturday night and ask me if I would come. I decided to go, but held that feeling she will not be there.
To be continued.... gosh, so many things to write, plus the dilemma of what to add or what not to add..
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